My best friend, who struggles with infertility, hates that I’m pregnant

By Dr. Andrea BoniorExpress Advice ColumnistMarch 11

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Express illustration. (Illus/Ben Claassen III (For Express))

Q. I am pregnant and shared the news with my best friend, who has struggled with infertility for quite some time, so I knew I needed to be sensitive. But her response floored me. She came out and said that it’s “not fair,” that “everything always happens easily” for me, and she even strongly insinuated that I did this to upstage her and surpass her. This hurt, and the ironic thing is that she doesn’t realize that we were trying for quite some time (I didn’t want to talk to her about it because, again, sensitive subject). How do we move forward from here? I knew it would be tricky but I felt nothing but hate.

I am sure it stung, like hate would. But while you certainly didn’t deserve this response to be directed at you, it will help to understand that it’s not ultimately about you. She hates her own situation. And your news — though it’s not your fault — caused her pain. Since you were already mindful of how it could affect her, you were likely hoping for the same sensitivity — but she’s blinded by her own struggle right now. You can’t control her acceptance of your news, but you can offer her patience and empathy. Give her time and space, and a heads-up. “I admit I was very hurt by that response, but I know you are on your own path right now. I’m going to try to give you some time to adjust, but I love you and hope we can get back to a place of supporting each other.”